Biltmore Freezeburger
Interests: Subverting narrative, smashing the state, Uniqlo
Favorite bands: Schvitzing! At the Bar Mitzvah, My Little Ponytail, Angelina Jolieberman
Occupation: Freelance graphic designer

"My friend Snake told me he wasn't gonna vote so he could 'make a statement.' Really? Curating your cardigan collection instead of participating in democracy—what statement does that make? Is the statement, by any chance, I'm a lazy douchebag? Let me get this straight—according to you, all these Washington insiders are going, 'Look! Some dude from Bushwick didn't even vote! What are we doing wrong? How can we improve?' No, dipshit. They only pay attention to you when you do things. Vote for the Green Party if you want to make a statement. Vote for David Hasselhoff. Just fucking vote."

Jaime DeChirico
Interests: Bifurcation; ambivalence. Punctuation?
Favorite books: Baudrillard is overrated.
Occupation: Freelance graphic designer

"Super Tuesday is two days after Superbowl Sunday. I don't give a shit about football, but I do plan to use that day as my God-given excuse to get twisted on PBR and then pass out in a puddle of flat beer and orange chicken wing grease. After hibernating for 48 hours, I will use Tuesday as an excuse to get off my ass and leave the house. Voting is supposed to be good for hangovers. Also, I hear it's free. So that's cool."

Phonebook McFadden
Interests: Styrofoam ...
Favorite prefixes: Meta-, quasi-, post-
Occupation: Freelance graphic designer

"Dude, more people voted for fucking American fucking Idol than for the fucking president of the fucking United States. For Christ's fucking sake! Honestly, I dunno, that's kind of funny ironically, I guess? But it's not acceptable."

Tay Zonday
Interests: Creepy smiles, myopia
Occupation: Genius

"I am the second coming of Barry White, and Barack Obama is the second coming of Abraham Lincoln. History quickly crashing through your veins!"